The story of 3S's....strictly for adults and kids only!!

Disclaimer: IF you are above 18 please continue reading or else  stand up,walk back and close your rooms' door.As the author doesnt want any disturbance while you read. 

Friends, Indians have always had a history of liking 3Ss’.

The first S is Sports.

 May be kabaddi,hockey or newly found passion cricket , Indians always rocked. Many of the today’s youngsters  forget that once under major.dhyanchand,india swept  the field of hockey by winning back to back 3 Olympic gold medals 80 years before shooter abhinav bindra did it .

Interesting trivia: After seeing his prolific play at the 1936 Berlin Olympics, Adolf Hitler offered Dhyan Chand, a Major in the British Indian Army, German citizenship and an offer to promote him to the rank of a Colonel (which Dhyan Chand, of course, refused!!!)

Now it’s another issues that India has also produced gems like suresh kalmadi,ipl modi and s.bhatti(dd scam..the new bird in the nest)...to name a few who  not only gave some glittering opening shows but also successfully generated ships of money for themselves, their maids and their dogs.

In my last article I emphasised and elaborately wrote on the level of anxiety to be seen in the leading newspapers of different participating nations. So writing any further would spoil your brain and hurt my fingers.

The second S is Satire.

The moment I think of satire ....either the cheap laughing television shows or out of world idiotic jokes reminds us of satire. But no, that’s not what i am talking about....I am talking of films and satire.

Feature films are the great popular passion of India, cutting across the social divides – the divides of caste, class, religion, region, gender, language and rajnikant. The films take you to French riveira,swiss alps, south African coasts or to jalandhars’ mustard feilds.So that you can sing,dance and get lost in world of Romance, Reels and Romeos :-)

Hence, my lord lets attack each film industry one by one:

The Hindi film industry

The ingredients of the average hindi film is always well known; colour(high Eastman preferred, these days they have renamed it as UFO);songs(at least 6 or seven)in the voices one knows and trusts; dance-solo and assemble – the more frenzied the better; bad girl, bad boy, good boy, good girl, romance(but no kisses...leave the rest);tears; emotional tortures; fights; chases; melodrama; dwellings which can’t be outside studios; exotic locations in kullu,manali,ooty,London,spain(for hrithik fans)and paris.....OH!! What can I say more, even my girlfriend and father cant.

You see any three Hindi movies and god promise the “matter” of at least 2 will be the same.

Procedures of making a film is not less funny too. Huge posters (which only aliens can read),six pack stars(because family pack is outdated),sexy heroines(to increase already border touching blood pressure),music(plagiarism is must),lyrics(either gulzar or javed akhtar...rest all are morons),births and rebirths(the best Indian export till date),producers(with loads of black money) and finally some creepy script and an equally creepy director.

Result of film is always known...if its socially teaching , then a national award for producer, filmfare for the stars and zandu-balm for viewers is confirmed....while if it asks you to leave your brain outside theatres before entering..Then it should be commercially success unless it doesn’t follow the golden rules.*

*Golden rules:

1. Shahrukh khan sells, no matter how dirty is the script.

2. ask perfectionist amir khan to direct, act and offer him 20% of profits....forget about the film, it’s a bulls eye.

3. Budget is low...get a good and decent script..forget about the star casting...anyone will do even akshay kumar .

4. sexy and bombshell heroine is must along with extra-old actress for hero’s mom role.

5. if no proper script..then go to south, copy their rights and make it here.

6. finally...... atleast one sheela or munni to make more money.

The Malayalam and Bengali film industry.

The high literacy levels in Kerala and equally high laziness in Bengal along with Marxism is a sign of their quest for knowledge, awareness and over-low budget movies. "Malayalam and Bengali Cinema" are mirror to its superior taste, cultural finesse, class and red-zanda(flag). Malayalam movies have traditionally had a 'stand apart' quality about them in comparison with other Indian language movies, with Bengali movies having some similarity because it’s a damn intellectual stuff, which even Dr.abdul kalam can’t understand.

Realism has been the cornerstone of their cinema, realism that is all pervasive and evident in every aspect of the movie, from the selection of the theme, earthy dialogs, real life situations and non- contrived screen play, natural portrayal of characters, humour that blends with the situation and gay movies. It is no wonder that these masterpieces made on a shoe string budget draw rave reviews and critical acclaim in film festivals from Cannes to Banaras and from Allahabad to Berlin.

But, there are moments which always make you wonder “why am I watching this?”...

Reason....(for example)

There will be a hero (commonly mammoty,mohanlal).he will be very decent and wonderful gentleman with full of thick moustache,often so gentle that 30+ ladies would want him as husband. The heroine will wear white saare throughout the whole movie and will cary a oil-lamp in her hand...(which itself reduces half of the production cost).the background will be a house(again, it is the only location for the whole movie). There will be “only” two supporting actors. An old  ambassador car, political issue, lots of extra-senti scenes.....and finally hero – heroine make up their mind in the end of the movie to have romance....which interestingly the director challenges the audiences to dream as if it would  have happened.

The Telugu, Tamil and Kannada film industry:

First half starts in US or UK or swiss or Thai or local streets mainly bus-stops.

Hero and Heroine. Both may be strangers or friends or hero is trying for heroine or heroine is in love with other guy....but hero is still trying desperately (and thats legal).

Heros’ introduction song is always rocking......atleast 50 backup dancers...full of dust due to steps and heavy beats of drums...

 When hero sees the heroine, the screen fades, giving way to second song.

Third song comes when he still tries to flatter her or the successful love story song. When hero is busy in his trails for flattering the girl, 4 or 5 tata sumos, scorpios with around 8 or 9 men roam in class roads searching for some one. May be hero or heroine or their relatives.. !!!!

Interval bang: heroine kidnap. All that fellows in scorpios are not ordinary people, they belong to big factionist group (white dhotis...white shirts ...white scorpios....& black politicians). They are in search of her. In this moment hero should see with blank mind. But our hero who was studying either in states or in local college also belongs to another big factionist family. So he knows what to do.

Now let’s presume two factors;

Suppose hero is also from a faction family: the second half will be like this:

 He accelerates his bike with full throttle. He goes to the girl’s family and comes to know that faction leader is his uncle. His father and her father are distant relatives or closest friends turned enemies. (Reasons vary according to movies and states).

But, usually both get into some misunderstandings because of some silly land issues (even my neighbours 2-yr old daughter can solve) and they both become the greatest rivals separated by two villages.

Now the goal of hero is to unite both of them. (From here, the director starts thinking. how differently can we unite them? An asst. director thinks of different ways to unite two rivals? Producer thinks how to unite villages? Editor thinks on how unite two reels? And choreographer thinks how to make them dance?).

Suppose hero is not from a faction family:

He is by birth born in US to a NRI and he falls for a local girl who went to US for higher studies or fashion designing. So he will come back to chase her. He goes to the girl's family and comes to know that faction leader is his uncle. And again same cooking-story comes up!!

In between, you will have comedians giggling you, dummy mummy and daddy roles add attraction, huge dance sequences, at least one truck of plaster of paris applied to heroine...romance through flowers , villains and his associates flying in the air........in the end after  you come out ,  either you  go to a coffee shop or a  medicine shop, according to you level of headache.

Whatever you say, i always liked Indian movies. Because all i want is to escape from my day-to-day chores and relax for 3 hours completely in a movie hall, forgetting about whole world, finance, ICAI and its problems.

And,

The third S......ha ha ha ha  you know it!! You are smart enough........