A mother of a 7 year old said:
“I have a 7 year old that happened to see a documentary on the history channel that scared him so bad, that he became depressed and began to question the “meaning of life”. He is 7 years old. This nonsense is scaring our children - it must stop immediately. I found this website and tried the best I can to explain to him it was all a hoax.”
A social networker wrote:
“Tsunami in Japan!!Makes me wonder if all the hype regarding 2012 might actually turn out to b true” :(
Friends, I’m still laughing at very thought of 2012. People, social websites, internet, newspapers, history channel, news channels, magazines.....everywhere....every damn place this phenomenon is waging like a wild forest fire. We definitely don’t live in a fool’s paradise.Then, how come we believe all this non-sense and brainless crap about some date and a 2500year old calendar.
Anyways, it always giggles me, “How the earth would end?”
“Earthquake, tsunami, volcanic eruptions, zombies rise, aliens attack, solar flare, etc.”If these are the actual book version reasons then mine entirely contradicts.
Hence, I have imagined a list of events which can/may happen and indeed give mental trauma and then cause mass-extinction of entire human race because of their occurrence or else you will happily see the sunlight of 23rd dec,2012!!
1. The date itself
If you are not a completely useless person, you would know that day would be 21/12/2012, which would be written as 21-12-2012 no matter which formatting you use till you stick to Gregorian calendar. Adding all the numbers , the result would be 2...(2+1+1+2+2+0+1+2=11...1+1=2)...and according to astrology 2 is not good!!....if you come 2nd in class, then parents will kill you. If you are the 2nd boy-friend, then your g.f will compare you with the 1st one. The number 2 is associated with bad luck in some countries, and even has a specifically recognized phobia known as “Twosuckophobia”(Oh F).So don’t panic, I will tell you how to protect yourself.
But before that, you must be convinced that today is indeed a special day. It’s the last opportunity in this century to be alive on a day when all the three parameters of a day (day, month and year) can be denoted by a single digit. Not only that, this day is special in many ways.
If you happened to wake up at 12.12 AM , man you have done just the right stuff. You simply don’t need to worry, but to be on the safer side, you should wear 12 underwears during the whole day today. Try changing them each time the minute hand of the clock strikes 12.
Before stepping out of your home, you must spit twelve times on your right side. Remember, each time you must spit on the same spot or you might be hit by a running bull as soon as you reach the main road. And also send twelve messages to your friends or else they will face the end and you will escape.
To protect yourself from road accidents, jump in the air after each twelfth step you take while you walk. For best results, stretch your legs and arms as much away from each other as possible when you jump. In case you are not walking and are driving, apply brakes after each 12 meters and try to drive at 12kmph. Oh, god is merciful, he is all knowing.
2.The Rise of Thailavar Army and apocalypse (30 days before the end)
The Government of India along with The American army has finally woken up to reality and decided to take up arms against “thailavar 5.0 a.k.a chitti”,which has made its own army and already captured Africa and europe. The war which will involve some of world’s top military minds from and is about to cost india an amount ten times more than the Spectrum Raja scam, pushing the india economy into a decade long economic tailspin.
Admitting defeat, the Nato chief said, “It would have been totally badass if we could pull off thailavar; I mean think about it! The possibilities are mindboggling in various spheres of life.we tried our level best to keep it off our shores but of no utter use. Only America and Asia are left and my only hope now is rajni sireee .”....shouted the chief from his underground secret gas chamber in germany.
Even though China has conceded defeat , some military companies in Taiwan claim that they can still convince Rajni sir to stop Chitti .Meanwhile, the foreign secretaries of the leftover countries had an urgent meeting in the New yawk’s U.N building sparking off heavy speculations among media personnals that “chittti “ is really a matter of concern. indian primeminister gave his condolences to Chinese premier over the phone and send a bouquet of Arunachal Pradesh apples and a Tibet shawl specially signed by the dalai lama.
3. Nucluer War between India and Pakistan(29 days before the end)
India and Pakistan attacked each other with nuclear weapons due a fight on tom and jerry. The whole event actually started at school in India when hundreds of kids came out of a nearby school and started pelting stones at each other today afternoon. The kids were fighting over a poster of “Tom & Jerry” that was coloured by one of the kids during the fine-arts class. As soon as the poster was put for display in the school gallery, kids grouped themselves into factions of Hindus and Muslims and started throwing stuff at each other.
“The poster was absolutely shocking and demeaning to us. It showed a saffron mouse kicking the ass of a green cat. Are we dumb not to understand that it was meant to demoralize Muslims? When we protested over the choice of colours, the teacher said that a student was free to use any color he wanted. The teacher is a communal Hindu. We decided to take things in our hands otherwise our self respect would have been trampled.” Salman khan, a four year old kid fumed.
“Mouse is the vehicle of the Hindu God Ganesh and by painting a saffron mouse they meant a Ganesh worshipping Hindu. A cat that attacks a mouse is of course hungry and by painting a green cat they meant a Muslim fasting during Ramzan. This poster is so disturbing to be painted at a time when Ganesh Chaturthi and Ramzan are going on.” Salman argued.
This led to the kids calling their parents and which in turn..turned the crisis more ugly. Thus allowing Pakistan to enter into India’s internal affairs and raging a spark among the two nations on communal basis. This event terrorised the president of Pakistan and compelling him to press the N-bomb Button.Thus paving a way to 3rd world war and ending the entire human race.
4.Sarah palin becomes president of U.S.A.......!!(no dates required)
The thought itself crashed the world financial markets leading to mass-community suicide as the worst financial crisis struck on the very news of her becoming the ultimate leader of the world.
Sarah palin after becoming the president of the United States of America allotted several key portfolios to her close friends. Paris Hilton became internal media screwing secretary while Lindsay lohan was made drug and theft bureau chief. While Mil Gibson was given the African relations secretary.
5. Colonising of facebook genes proved deadly(Alas!!..)
Last year Mark Zuckerberg, made the most significant kink in the history of evolution , by announcing the launch of the Facebook Genes, everyone thought it would assist the naturally occurring sensory organs and take people a step closer to realizing the most perfect human interactions system – the Facebook.
In layman terms, the Facebook gene was added to an embryo during pregnancy so that the child is born mutated with certain Facebook features embedded into it, giving it an edge over its peers in communicating and “staying connected”.
Parents needed to provide the name, e-mail address and Facebook ID for their foetus to sign up for the delivery, and the gene transplant was done free of cost by the Facebook Inc.FB Genes was made to blur the difference between the physical and the digital worlds. People were able to continuously upload and download images, videos and information from their Facebook profiles. In the physical world, they will be able to exhibit three additional emotions – ‘Like’, ‘Poke’ and ‘WTF’ – with the help of various facial and lower body muscles.
“Even fb genes, helped B.tech grads to upload their American visa status which in turn would garner atleast 50 likes and 40 comments” commented Harishankar krishankumar,who preferred to called shanky999.
But this gene-game proved costly.The Al-Qaida and taliban along with mafia wars attacked all the profiles in facebook and hacked everyone ,putting virus on all socialities.
Six year old Arun Pisupati, a level 501 player of Mafia Wars with a family size of seven, surrendered at supreme court today. Arun had been playing Mafia Wars for more than nine months and had amassed huge cash and property by robbing other mafias and visiting Cuba. Arun also possessed a huge cache of weapons and vehicles, which the police are trying to recover, but his energy level had dropped alarmingly, the most likely reason he decided to surrender.
The Reason for his surrender was given as “heavy competition from outside terrorist groups forced Arun to quit”....
“He promised to hand over all his guns, property, cash, etc. to the government but wanted a safe passage to hospital to get his energy back. We couldn’t understand what was happening but told him that we agreed to his demands”...reported a newspaper.
6.Mayawati is the secret ruler of exiled-maya civilisation
and she is in process of converting all her possible enemies and mango crowd(aam junta) into asses.(even her name has the first sllyablle - MAYA)
A new study into Mayan calendar, writing and mythology has revealed that most of us could be turning into asses by the end of 2012 i.e. within one year from today, in fact the process is believed to have already started according to the latest research. The study warns that the human race will be replaced by donkeys (also known as asses) and the existing donkeys will rule over the neo-donkeys.
“Yes, there will be doomsday, but only for the human race. The earth will survive and so will the flora and fauna, sans the humanity. An army of asses will rise from its ashes and enslave the human race. She will also genetically modify us to transform us into substandard asses while the existing asses will rule over us.” Mulayam singh yadav,the major opponent of mayawati.
Attacks by asses on human beings are expected to grow rapidly in the coming months. Human beings would debate and plan how to tackle donkey kickbacks, but by then the dead army of asses would have been resurrected, followed by the doomsday. These chilling details of the new found prophecy effectively makes each ass in our neighborhood a potential future oppressor of the human race. So should we kill all the asses?
The research is already creating strong ripples across the world with various Hollywood producers queuing up to make a movie on the grand battle between asses and human beings. Produces claim that these big budgeted movies would also help in further research and would help the humanity fight the asses. Leading author Dan Brown too is supposed to be mulling over the possibility of writing a book over this possible ass attack and hence he send a garland made of jesus photos.
News channels across world too alerted its viewer about the possible revenge of the asses causing widespread hate attack against asses in various parts of the country. Government has appealed for restraint and has asked people not to act like asses. Home Minister P Chidambaram has assured the citizens that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh would be soon talking about this acute ass problem with US President Barack Obama.
8. Tcs , Wipro ,Accenture and CTS plan auction style recruitment .....lowest CTC to get job
IT majors like Wipro,TCS (Tata Consultancy Services), Accenture and CTS plan to hire 1,37,000 professionals for its domestic and overseas markets through campus auctions in the next fiscal. But the auctions will not have the companies bidding for bright freshers, but the freshers bidding for dull jobs. Each round of bidding will see 50 freshers coming together, and whoever quotes the lowest salary demand will get a job contract from them.
It is a mammoth effort to go all over the country and conduct complex processes to hire freshers who would anyways be kept on the benches. Hence what is the use of conducting irrelevant GDs and PIs to hire future-benchers? Hence they have decided to take inspiration from the recently concluded IPL auctions and will be conducting auctions in many campuses of India to hire freshers.
A possible scenario of professional “franchises” gathered to bid for software jobs
The base prices of the freshers have been set as per their overall percentage or CGPA across the four years of education. Higher percentage commands a higher base price and then it’s a game of who goes the lowest for the “lucrative” offer.
The news attracted mixed response from the freshers though. Many final year B.Tech students were already using linear programming methods to find the minimum amount they need to stay alive in various cities, while others have asked their parents if they could “contribute” a little.
This gave a severe heart-attack to parents all over the country who expected their kids to be placed immediately after 3rd year.but,as soon as the news leaked graduates and their parents suddenly disappeared sparking a wide-spread mass suicide and encouraged others to do it as it was worthless to live in this auction-packed world.
There are other News Headlines which may choke humans to death by both causing heart-attacks and making them brain-dead.....
9. Laloo learns English completely
10. Rakhi Sawant is miss universe, world and earth
11. India tops the chart for most-non corrupted state
12. Farmvilla goes out of crop growing place ....acute food shortage across globe
13. Tata’s nana “heli-car” catches fire spontaneously in mid-air killing all its 600million users across the world.
14. Kenya and Zimbabwe sweep all Olympic gold medals
15. Pakistan takes up non-violence and is terrorism free.
16. Dubai sheikhs do their own work without their servants.
17. Gadaffi+Chavez+Mubarak+Ahmedanijad form “The Fantastic Four Justice Team”
18. Karunanidhi is married again
19.Srilanka,Nepal and bangladesh send first man to mars ahead of United states and Russia
20.Shashank stops blogging.......(omg!! this will be the ultimate news to panic people)
Hope we never see the day u stop blogging!
ReplyDelete:)...lets hope so !!
ReplyDeletesuave!! gud work dude
ReplyDelete