Read your Horoscope through my eyes.....no this is not facebook application rather its my invention

Yesterday finally my in-house astrologer was back to office after travelling around the Himalayas and meeting the Bulletproof Monk who sold his Tata Nano and did its sawari.(He also purchased  few books in airport  namely “you can win” or “you can sell”..to improve his not so happening astrology business which was hampered after the release of “what’s  your rashee?...are you going to kashi?”). It was a very enlightening journey he says, where he saw Crouching Chinese and Hidden Soldiers in Tibet. He even found out that 4/3 Indians are poor at fractions and Life on Earth might be expensive, but it does includes trip around the Sun!!!

My astrologer is a very busy man. His clientele base includes a jobless engineer, ubiquitous political party worker,  PR publicist of Shahrukh Khan Productions(as his boss does all his work),Chetan  bhagat and  a newly married couple who would always enquire about  ‘the colour of the vehicle they must buy to at least complete 10,000kms on it without becoming parents’..(as per a recent survey, the more you ride a vehicle with your wife/g.f...the higher are the chances of her getting pregnant).

My astrologer takes pride on mentioning Chetan bhagat : his most prolific client,who regularly visits him for his books names.

“Chetu ..that’s what i call him ...believes in numerology and takes human life as inspiration. It’s not mere a coincidence that all his four novels have numbers in their titles, be it Five Point Someone, or One Night at Call Centre, or Three Mistakes of My Life, or 2 States. Even , if you look at the history of the  books he wrote, all have followed human life as themes. First he wrote about graduation(IIT), then post-graduation(IIM),(bpo) job, love and finally marriage. According to my prediction his next book will be titled “what you 2 should except when you are expecting”....based on child-birth.”....he told me once.

And as always his remedies(solutions for the problems) would be common “Apart from repeating the mantra three times a day after drinking buffalo’s milk, sleep with a black-brown dog on a blue mattress made of jute, holding his left rear leg with your right hand, on days when Sensex loses more than 100 points”.......

So for all of you, my friends, i have especially and personally asked him to write down a year-based horoscope so that you can live in peace ever after until next year.....

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Summer is coming and you need to take a good care of yourself or your body parts can shrink beyond redemption. To add to your worries, fire (agni) is in the fifth house and is surrounded by ketu, it actually doesn’t mean a shit but you should be scared and take precautions. Before you step out of your house, you should chew three leaves of cactus along with little pieces of coconut and a dash of turmeric and pepper. This will keep you healthy and alert and your g.f/b.f will love you more.Keep safe all those tubes of Burnol that were gifted to you by your friends, you would always need them as fire is not going to leave you any time soon. But that doesn’t mean you should get disheartened and commit suicide by putting yourself on fire.

Remedies: Mix three grams of tulsi syrup in one litre of mineral water, preferably from Kent RO/aqua guard, and offer it to a gray (67.59% black) buffalo every Tuesday morning at 2.57 AM..

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’d be in the newspapers, either in the ‘oddly enough’ or ‘obituary’ section. Start adding journalists on facebook and orkut. If you are not too keen on getting mentioned in newspapers, change your television viewing habits. Try Radio. No, not the sexy RJ one, but the one your grandpa used to listen or which is listened to by call center workers while coming back from work in the company Qualis.. 2011 might prove good to you and your girlfriend could give you a costly gift, and guess what, she won’t use your cash or card to buy the gift! Her another boyfriend will buy it. Someone is getting lucky.

Remedies: Protect yourself against any impending danger by feeding wada-paav /idly to three hungry hogs each Friday morning.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

If you thought your zodiac sign had got something to do with gems and jewellery, I am sure you would come out of your illusion. You will lose the inheritance lawsuit you are fighting with your siblings and the court will actually order confiscation of all your teddy bears and play stations, including your gems jewellery and laptop. But don’t worry, there is a silver lining in every cloud. You won’t be paying any hotel bills or for costly gifts. Because after the court order your girlfriend will show middle finger to you  next time, you see her.

Remedies: you must wash three dirty donkeys near the bank of the nearest river each Monday to Friday at 9.00 PM sharp during the prime time, failing which you will lose all your money!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

People running and owning some kind of businesses need to be careful this month. Bankruptcy could be on its way. And getting bankrupt at a time when the whole world thinks that the Japan economy is on the road to recovery is not a cool thing. Sell off your business and take up a job. The barber in the market is looking for an apprentice, grab the opportunity! Your lucky day, when you could sell off your business and join the barber, is Thursday. Other job options can be a call centre employee with a company that has its operations in the USA, a watchman in your local colony, an old fashioned thief, a journalist, or a train or a truck driver

Remedies: Cancerians living in any part of country would have  good news coming their way, provided they offer milk to snakes each Sunday and keep it away from Bear grills & Chinese.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

I hope you know that Leo is ruled by the sun and hence you must do all your work when the sun is out. Get a job that will allow you to work outdoors in summers and non-rainy day as much as possible, such as a traffic policeman, a salesman, a postman, a journalist, or a rickshaw or a taxi driver.You will make new friends this month in facebook, because your old friends in orkut had already dumped you last month, some even vanishing away with your wallet with credit points from mafia wars and cityvilla. Chose your friends carefully as they may be cannibals hunting for food in farmvilla. If you are single, don’t rush in changing your  relationship status. Basically, you need to be extra careful this month and keep your eyes and ears wide open

Remedies: You should move your toilet near kitchen and put that sofa on the terrace. Start sleeping with your head making an angle of 37.5% north east of your spouse’s left leg, and most of your troubles would go away.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

“tumhara zodiac sign virgo hai na? hai ya nahi?” remember that television commercial of virgin mobile? A similar predator, on a mission to destroy your virginity, will try to hit upon you when you’d be travelling with your mom to your hometown. Hit him with you high-heels in a way that punctures his cheek. Don’t worry, India has a defunct fat railway police and no case would be registered against you. So chill! If you are a man, a similar gay from (the gang of gays) predator will hit on you, and you know what to do. Apart from this, nothing would happen that could make you feel special, so you better feel that way. Your sense of humour will really take a dip and you would even laugh at this horoscope prediction.

Remedies:   try feeding five and half slices of butter-toast to a one-horned cow each Tuesday afternoon and Wear jeans underwear while taking bath in showers.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

Your zodiac sign is also the symbol of legal system, but you could have serious trouble in legal affairs this month. The judge will try to grab your land. Land, yes, the one you either plow or have your property erected. Not much is known how to deal with such cases but god is merciful and omniscient. You should fast on each day when the hearing for the case comes up and send flying kisses to the judge when nobody is watching.

Remedies: don’t change your deodorant brand, but please take bath more regularly. Men should wear pink when going to discotheques and women should wear burqa. People would not get to notice your body odor this way

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)

The union of Jupiter and Neptune in your birth chart suggests that you’d not be able to fart for the whole of this month. While this may sound like a good news to you, the worst part is that the air will keep on accumulating in your intestines and you would start looking like Adnan Sami or the nutty professor. You will win luxury soap in a one-legged racing contest in your nearest multiplex, but not before you would injure your nose by falling flat on your face

Remedies: Time period between 9.00 AM to 5.00 PM are not good for you and something untoward can happen to you so avoid doing anything in the above time period. Wear half pink and half yellow on Monday and Thursday.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

I’m sorry but you are going to have a nightmarish year ahead. You’d have strange apparitions and you’d hate everyone in this world. You’d feel that even the pigeons in your locality are showing their middle fingers to you. You will have a lot of time and opportunity to try out things you always wanted. Finally you would come to know that you were a loser all your life. You will win a lottery ticket only to find that the result was misprinted

Remedies: If you want to protect yourself from any calamities, you must take bath after breaking an ostriches’ egg on your head. Even dinosaur egg won’t be bad either.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your appetite will grow this month and you’d always feel like eating something or the other. If you are a politician you would eat into the public reserves and empty the state treasury. If you are a cricketer, you would eat all balls and score pathetically slow. If you are a cook, you would be fired. If you are a doctor, god save the patient. If you are a student, god save you. There is a danger of meeting an accident while riding a horse, so be careful and use protection.

Remedies: Always ask for tea made in goat milk when you go to Barista or cafe coffee day.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

Your friends will see your facebook profile photo in the ‘hottie of the day’ application. You can’t help it as you are too technically challenged to change the settings to stop that from happening. So let it be and be prepared to receive some winks and naughty messages, including those sent by friends of the same sex and those who are double/half your age

Remedies: change your password to “SatireShashank”......and see how your luck changes

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

After reading the fortunes of others, you still want to know yours? Don’t you already feel insignificant and useless, lying at the last position in the hierarchy of horoscope signs? Yes, you are a destined loser, always coming last in race and first in bed. You might continue to forward those stupid emails but you won’t get an iota of Bill Gate’s fortune.

Remedies : Wake up at 3.00 AM each Friday, take a butter toast, wear a green shirt and walk out of your home. You must wink at the first thirteen beggars that you come across before feeding the fourteenth beggar the toast. Bring back the butter and apply on your forehead before going on work/college

p.s:  "My romance with c.a books is taking heavy beating beacuse of the lengthy writing".... thats what my milkman thinks...hence,i wont be updating this blog untill June...so please dont cry and wait in desperation for the next one........