5 + 5 point Someone by BABA RAMONAV

Yesterday I met a pizza delivery boy in a hut. He was weak and drowsy. He got me a fresh garden pizza with extra cheese and may-sauce. After handing over my order....I gave him a generous Rs.3 Tip.

He was overwhelmed and couldn’t hold back his tears of joy.....he came out of counter, smiled and then fell on my feet.

He asked me to make a wish.

I thought for sometime....

And asked him "whether he would hack  into baba ramonav's secret notes drafts in facebook..",.

He happily obliged.....did some typing in th hut's apple fruit keyboard, clicked a rat and got me this...........

PROFILE NAME:BABA RAMONAV ..... (secret  chelsea IInd owner )
AGE : HAHAHA
STATUS : BABA TILL ETERNITY
ABOUT ME: YOGA GURU BY PROFESSION,NONSENSE SPEAKER BY PASSION,JUMPER BY AGGRESSION,.........and sometimes is BLACK MONEY SONG IS A  SOLUTION


MY PLANS IN 2xxx(..oh!! thats x represents number )

1. Every Indian and hot American blondes must perform pranab-yam every morning for atleast 40breathes. 20 times Lom Amul-om (per nostril/220hair glands) after finishing nature call.

2. Government must publish specific rate lists for every public office including sulabh sochalay, with the charges for various activities (including yoga ones) clearly displayed at the entrance. For example at the electricity office: old connection revival – Rs 10000, Faulty meter re-arrangement – Rs 3000,ramonav yoga camp -Rs 10,000 and so on. This would save citizens much heartburn & heatburn on finding out they were overcharged because they didn’t know the going rate.

3. If people want to use foreign goods...they must first spell it (Bayerische Motoren Werke :- BMW),   or else No foreign goods. No Nike. No Pepsi. No Katrina Kaif. No Sonia Gandhi.

4. Every public announcement to first get approved by eminent personalities on Twitter ,mainly if someone is pregnant. Any new proposal should be finalized only after getting a mention & retweet from at least twenty Twitterati, each with a minimum of 5000 followers.

Oh, and Twitter comes under the foreign goods category.Hence, TCS or infosys to be asked to write an Indian version of Twitter - CHIDIYA.

5. Schools in Bihar and Maharashtra to start a cultural exchange program called Manoos Bhaiyya. Laloo and Raj thack-rey should the head of the council. Kids from both Patna and Mumbai to travel to each other’s cities, and learn more about the local culture. Vada pav and litti,matka chai should  form compulsory form of diet.

6. Solitaire and texas hold-em poker to be banned, with any violations punishable with death by drowning in the Yamuna which would be  cleaned by NDTV under guidance of BHARKHA DUTT. Getting rid of this evil Microsoft and facebook game is estimated to improve productivity across government ,private sector offices, Colleges and hostels by at least 85%.

7. Dowry to be legalized. And made taxable under "Profits and Gains from Business or Profession". People do it anyway; let the government makes some money out of it. At 30%, Andhra alone estimated to gain annual revenues of Rs 10 lakh crores just through the dowry tax. Distribute this to the poor farmers, and no one will ever commit suicide again.

A new ministry to be formed "Dowry under ministry board".....DUMB

8. Prominent news channel anchors to be given magisterial  powers. This will enable them to deliver instant justice, instead of having to deliberate for weeks with experts and show two second clips a million times to convince viewers.Again,Bharkha Dutt and Arnab Gowsami should be made the head of this department.


9. “Mere Baap Ka Beta rati-Chor Hai.” Anybody found guilty of corruption to be immediately tattooed on the forehead. The power to do this will also be given to managers in private sector firms who will be able to perform this on anybody found submitting fake bills for reimbursement mainly honeymoon travel bills.

10. Radio to be banned. Yes, you heard it right. All the ills of modern society are being spread by Radio. After all who listens to radio these days. people want more soap-shampoo operas, more morally corrupt deodorant ads,  more hutties$Roadies, more sing-song  shows, more ice-breaking news, more jee- ranks, more less-cooking shows, more zero-tolerant talent shows . This alone will fix half of our problems.

Foolproof as it may seem, if by any chance these plans do not work, then Shri Rajnikanth Sir to be brought in to repeat the nation-saving act he so successfully demonstrated in Sivaji – The Boss.

PEE-O-PEDIA.......side please side

Well,yah i know, this is little off-beat from my style of explorational-writing but i thought this might be very helpful to the feminine side.., considering they are never allowed into this unseen world of male.Hence apart from class http://satireshashank.blogspot.com/2011/06/bench-benchers-and-back-benchers.html. There is another area where you can easily categorize people. That one place the Men's washroom ( No No not that, stop your thoughts you perverts). 

As opposed to women(hollywood movies yaar), talking in men's washroom is an absolute taboo. And  you basically  don't even care the person standing next to you. Well every person has a different way of handling his own pee schedule. 

PEE(defn)  : it is sterile, nature call which once activated cannot be stopped. the general occurrence happens usually when one is  busy watching a movie in a theater or shopping in a mall . Out of the uttermost common , peeing also known :P in texting world is the better form of releasing all impurities from bodies.

Different types of pee goers;

1.The Racers , people in fast life, people who have to meet the deadline : For them everything is an F1 race. They barge in, go the nearest cubicle, have a race against time to empty their load as fast as they can. Go to the basin wash their hands and then check the time. For them pee break is nothing but a pit stop. The come in have their strategy decided and leave as soon as they came.These can be easily found in airports and etc.,

2.The confused souls: These are the people who don't really know how and why they ended in the washroom. They are baffled when they enter, look around and then go to the basin still not sure why they are here. Look at themselves in the mirror,back comb their hair, little styling and good to go. Then remember why they are here and finally do the job and well go out the same way -> basin -> mirror -> looking around. They even conduct their job in a confused way.

              (Fact:These entire washroom required 380 kg of pure gold and 6,200 gemstones. Even the fixtures were made of gold. It cost Hong Kong $38 million)

3.The mr.perfectionists : These are the category of people who have to have perfection at everything they do. Aiming at the correct spot is their sole intention. Aiming and striving to hit the target. Even at the basin their activities are coordinated as if guided by an algorithm. Going to basin opening the tap to have just the correct pressure ... taking right amount of soap and closing the tap well in tap to conserve resources.

4.The Benched crowd : These are the people who have time on their side. Washroom is like the second home to them. Every time you go, you would see them. They do everything leisurely - From start to the end....no point discussing about them.

5.The Why me crowd: This is a set of people who always have something going wrong their lives. When they enter their face is an object of pity. They look around desperately for a place to relieve themselves. Walking awkwardly as if everything that can go wrong is about to go wrong. These people can be a subject of case study for people studying what happens to people when they achieve something they desire. The change in reaction of their face pre and post job has marked difference. What was an object of pity a few moments back keeps giving to the contagious smile of a winner saying - " yes I have done it "

i have decided what type i belong to....have you?

The Tale of summer joblessness and discussing!!....

Archives from Fcuk book of indies :

Its summer time…or basically another holiday time and my friend Chana (incase you forgot him then do read http://satireshashank.blogspot.com/2011/01/trip-to-heavenin-train.html) has decided to “do something meaningful”, so he along with 2 other students from the KALLING-AH LAW SCHOOL, KLS, have successfully completed their mandatory summer internship about  an “cycle-rickshaw” in Kolkata.

Confirming the rickshaw-based internship, Mr. Chuk-Chuk LAL, the placement chairperson of KLS, praised the Future Liars (lawyers, in general) for their lateral thinking in trying to solve the myriad problems that society today faced on cycle rickshaw, the chief of those being ‘what to do with all those LAW students during those 2 months between the year ending of the session’.

Commenting exclusively to Senior senorita of fcukbook, the trend setting students shared their experience………….

“Every year, all of our fellow L-awwww…. students occupy so much space in corporate offices, drink gallons of Chai, cause the Coolers to generate another ton of greenhouse gases causing more headache to NDTV’S Greenathon and give already overworked middle management HR personnel the really enriching but also tiring task of cooking up something to keep us busy along with the overly obsessed farting topics. At KLS, however, we have always been encouraged to challenge status-quo and think out of the box, like an intern on rickshaw,” remarked SHWET, with her rassogulla round cheeks.

Mohandas K.G(name changed), her classmate and rickshaw project partner, had an altogether different take on the issue tweeted : “Corporate Social Responsibility is another area of focus at KLS. Until we make a real change at the bottom of the pyramid, India cannot ‘shine’(that’s why we use kiwi polish too..he hashtagged) If we, the top braggers of the country do not contribute to this, then who will? Therefore, we decided to catch hold of somebody who would really do with some help from us. A stint with an cycle-rickshaw wallah seemed like a good idea…..They helped us to understand on how to take peoples asses to different places and gain pennies out of it. Even though its different from our field, The involvement of ASSESS makes things LEGENDARY…….”

“The changing scenery would also alleviate boredom and stimulate creative thinking in field of LAW. Considering the state of misery in WEST BENGAL, the risk of falling asleep in office at HIGH COURT in the afternoon was also negated, a common problem faced by many of our batchMATES,” he added.

 

 Interestingly, few months back in the very same KOLKATA HIGH COURT, two of the batchmates (name withheld for romance purpose) were caught dis-kissing….err..i mean for  discussing in the court premises. This incident was caught on 2mp.nokia 5300 camera by an office clerk and was shown to their principle.

“How can they discuss in a high court premises? There are other senior male and female lawyers practicing there. They never do such things. These kids are horrific...! How can they do it??”..The principal replied for  a phone call. On the other note, the college authorities continuing their stand over “tax on wrong things – fine” levied RS.5000/- from each, on the grounds of degrading the college’s big bang reputation on national circuit.

But, parents who were in a state of shock and awe  wanted justice for their law kids. “Can students be fined for discussing?? ”...was the general question.

The matter has been taken to Supreme Court and the judge has adjourned it until the students become lawyers and fight their own case in 10years time………..

Bench, Benchers and the back-benchers!!

A Sleeping Lion Is Stronger Than A Barking DOG,

So A Sleeping Student Is always Better

Than A Barking ONE ……….by back benchers association(B.B.A)!!

This quote was written on a school table, when I was there to write my c.a exams.At that very moment I wasn’t thinking of the qoute as such, because I lost in my own world of volumes and chapters. But yesterday suddenly it came  to my mind that we generally   forget to understand, appreciate  and thank the very "Bench" itself.Hence I decide to discuss the whatness,whereabouts and characteristics of bench and benchers.

Definition : Bench is a very important part of a student life.it is on the bench that students mate….which means the bench mates become friends. Bench-mating is very good for both professional and personal life.  Bench has been a source of both fame and controversy.  Bench is free of charge to all irrespective of Gender, caste, creed, religion, and financial status in an atmosphere of love and care of principal and in particular, the class teacher.

The occupants of the benches can be classified into different categories:

1.The front Benchers 

The very no-nonsense group. Normally they have their shirts tucked in ,sleeves full,well oiled and combed hair. They try to replicate, depict and then reciprocate each and every of the teacher's words. If one ,Looks upto a front bench girl then the very next moment she is going to give them the formula of becoming a "(chick) magnet". To the people on the later benches, the “cool duds", these are the "losers" but well after the class graduates the equation changes rapidly and the tables turn. Anyhow these people are teachers pets….the vodaphone one and well 70% of the time teacher only teaches them…..as per Indian institute of tech-no-logic!!

2.The apparent front Benchers

This group normally consists of individuals who want to study but also have a life….frock life(censored)!. They normally use the front benchers as cover for hiding their marvel comics(again censored),Spice mobile phones, Twilight Novels(if,girls) and well anything and everything. Sometimes when they are bored just for kicks they also ask a question to waste time of the teacher. Most of the time of this group is spent by either pulling someone's leg from their own group or dividing their attention between the procrastination device, the teacher and looking at the people from other sex. (The last point has been discussed in the next chapter)  

3.The middle Benches: 

These people are often the most confused of the lot. They don't really know  whether they want to study or just procrastinate. In this confusion most of the time is spent making weird theories….the real conspiracy theories. Giving stupid ratings to anything and everything under the PSPO fan. Doodling on the desk, scratching on head and playing games like book cricket is common. The activity mostly pursued by them is well - sleep. Most of the time they would be found in the dreamland conquering new kingdoms and exploring new vistas including a visit to HOGWARTS. They are never in teachers line of sight. Not too front so that teacher teaches them, neither too back so that teacher keeps a cautious eye on them. They are sometimes the unsuspecting target of an enthusiastic teacher who asks them a question. The answer to which is delight to the whole class along .  

4.The apparent back benchers: 

These are the " cool duds" of the class ( mark the euphemism in the tone ). They would try to act differently and of course weirdly. They Look at others with condensation especially the front benchers. Passing snide comments is their birth right. They are keen on making plans to get to know that new girl in the class, even if that girl is rated 2 or below. During school this place is the abode of the bullies- the same one's who stole your lunch boxes and deflated your cycle tires{interestingly the movie “Stanley ka dabba “ was considered to be loosely inspired by this}. Their desks have some of the best comments which you can imagine. Some so naughty that they may make you go crazy. The teacher is always - Budha, sadoo, ganja, khadoos,takla to name a few and their notebooks would have more games played than the formula's taught..mainly FLAMES. They are considered to be the creators of modern bench-scribbling game.

5.The Back Benchers : 

These poor souls are at the back because most of the time they are late to the class ( nearly always) for no fault of their own ( again nearly always) or basically they hate publicity and attention. The most common thing about this group is their dress. Sometime they would have two different coloured socks, the shirt being out,a sand’witch’ which is still being muched in their mouth, the bag half open threatening to spill its contents. They would be scavenging for that oye extra pen or a spare sheet of paper. The moment they enter the class they would give the teacher the look of a deer caught in front of headlights of Sports bike. These people at first really do try to come early but well the alarm, the cycle, that person who occupies the bathroom for 1 hour before them always betrays them. At first they feel bad about coming late. Later it becomes a ritual. And then a tradition…….

Finally,in the words of a back bencher:

“ Don’t Study Too Much
That You Forget Your Ownself!!
Or In The End You Wud Be…

Like Isac Newton
Boiled His Watch In Place
Of Egg While He Was Noticing Time
From The Egg In Place Of Watch.

Albert Einstein Ever In His Life
Didn’t Comb His Hair.

N
Above All,
Lous Pasteur Forgot
The Very Day Of His Wedding..

Hosh Se GEO…..Dost!!