Read your Horoscope through my eyes.....no this is not facebook application rather its my invention

Yesterday finally my in-house astrologer was back to office after travelling around the Himalayas and meeting the Bulletproof Monk who sold his Tata Nano and did its sawari.(He also purchased  few books in airport  namely “you can win” or “you can sell”..to improve his not so happening astrology business which was hampered after the release of “what’s  your rashee?...are you going to kashi?”). It was a very enlightening journey he says, where he saw Crouching Chinese and Hidden Soldiers in Tibet. He even found out that 4/3 Indians are poor at fractions and Life on Earth might be expensive, but it does includes trip around the Sun!!!

My astrologer is a very busy man. His clientele base includes a jobless engineer, ubiquitous political party worker,  PR publicist of Shahrukh Khan Productions(as his boss does all his work),Chetan  bhagat and  a newly married couple who would always enquire about  ‘the colour of the vehicle they must buy to at least complete 10,000kms on it without becoming parents’..(as per a recent survey, the more you ride a vehicle with your wife/g.f...the higher are the chances of her getting pregnant).

My astrologer takes pride on mentioning Chetan bhagat : his most prolific client,who regularly visits him for his books names.

“Chetu ..that’s what i call him ...believes in numerology and takes human life as inspiration. It’s not mere a coincidence that all his four novels have numbers in their titles, be it Five Point Someone, or One Night at Call Centre, or Three Mistakes of My Life, or 2 States. Even , if you look at the history of the  books he wrote, all have followed human life as themes. First he wrote about graduation(IIT), then post-graduation(IIM),(bpo) job, love and finally marriage. According to my prediction his next book will be titled “what you 2 should except when you are expecting”....based on child-birth.”....he told me once.

And as always his remedies(solutions for the problems) would be common “Apart from repeating the mantra three times a day after drinking buffalo’s milk, sleep with a black-brown dog on a blue mattress made of jute, holding his left rear leg with your right hand, on days when Sensex loses more than 100 points”.......

So for all of you, my friends, i have especially and personally asked him to write down a year-based horoscope so that you can live in peace ever after until next year.....

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Summer is coming and you need to take a good care of yourself or your body parts can shrink beyond redemption. To add to your worries, fire (agni) is in the fifth house and is surrounded by ketu, it actually doesn’t mean a shit but you should be scared and take precautions. Before you step out of your house, you should chew three leaves of cactus along with little pieces of coconut and a dash of turmeric and pepper. This will keep you healthy and alert and your g.f/b.f will love you more.Keep safe all those tubes of Burnol that were gifted to you by your friends, you would always need them as fire is not going to leave you any time soon. But that doesn’t mean you should get disheartened and commit suicide by putting yourself on fire.

Remedies: Mix three grams of tulsi syrup in one litre of mineral water, preferably from Kent RO/aqua guard, and offer it to a gray (67.59% black) buffalo every Tuesday morning at 2.57 AM..

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’d be in the newspapers, either in the ‘oddly enough’ or ‘obituary’ section. Start adding journalists on facebook and orkut. If you are not too keen on getting mentioned in newspapers, change your television viewing habits. Try Radio. No, not the sexy RJ one, but the one your grandpa used to listen or which is listened to by call center workers while coming back from work in the company Qualis.. 2011 might prove good to you and your girlfriend could give you a costly gift, and guess what, she won’t use your cash or card to buy the gift! Her another boyfriend will buy it. Someone is getting lucky.

Remedies: Protect yourself against any impending danger by feeding wada-paav /idly to three hungry hogs each Friday morning.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

If you thought your zodiac sign had got something to do with gems and jewellery, I am sure you would come out of your illusion. You will lose the inheritance lawsuit you are fighting with your siblings and the court will actually order confiscation of all your teddy bears and play stations, including your gems jewellery and laptop. But don’t worry, there is a silver lining in every cloud. You won’t be paying any hotel bills or for costly gifts. Because after the court order your girlfriend will show middle finger to you  next time, you see her.

Remedies: you must wash three dirty donkeys near the bank of the nearest river each Monday to Friday at 9.00 PM sharp during the prime time, failing which you will lose all your money!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

People running and owning some kind of businesses need to be careful this month. Bankruptcy could be on its way. And getting bankrupt at a time when the whole world thinks that the Japan economy is on the road to recovery is not a cool thing. Sell off your business and take up a job. The barber in the market is looking for an apprentice, grab the opportunity! Your lucky day, when you could sell off your business and join the barber, is Thursday. Other job options can be a call centre employee with a company that has its operations in the USA, a watchman in your local colony, an old fashioned thief, a journalist, or a train or a truck driver

Remedies: Cancerians living in any part of country would have  good news coming their way, provided they offer milk to snakes each Sunday and keep it away from Bear grills & Chinese.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

I hope you know that Leo is ruled by the sun and hence you must do all your work when the sun is out. Get a job that will allow you to work outdoors in summers and non-rainy day as much as possible, such as a traffic policeman, a salesman, a postman, a journalist, or a rickshaw or a taxi driver.You will make new friends this month in facebook, because your old friends in orkut had already dumped you last month, some even vanishing away with your wallet with credit points from mafia wars and cityvilla. Chose your friends carefully as they may be cannibals hunting for food in farmvilla. If you are single, don’t rush in changing your  relationship status. Basically, you need to be extra careful this month and keep your eyes and ears wide open

Remedies: You should move your toilet near kitchen and put that sofa on the terrace. Start sleeping with your head making an angle of 37.5% north east of your spouse’s left leg, and most of your troubles would go away.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

“tumhara zodiac sign virgo hai na? hai ya nahi?” remember that television commercial of virgin mobile? A similar predator, on a mission to destroy your virginity, will try to hit upon you when you’d be travelling with your mom to your hometown. Hit him with you high-heels in a way that punctures his cheek. Don’t worry, India has a defunct fat railway police and no case would be registered against you. So chill! If you are a man, a similar gay from (the gang of gays) predator will hit on you, and you know what to do. Apart from this, nothing would happen that could make you feel special, so you better feel that way. Your sense of humour will really take a dip and you would even laugh at this horoscope prediction.

Remedies:   try feeding five and half slices of butter-toast to a one-horned cow each Tuesday afternoon and Wear jeans underwear while taking bath in showers.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

Your zodiac sign is also the symbol of legal system, but you could have serious trouble in legal affairs this month. The judge will try to grab your land. Land, yes, the one you either plow or have your property erected. Not much is known how to deal with such cases but god is merciful and omniscient. You should fast on each day when the hearing for the case comes up and send flying kisses to the judge when nobody is watching.

Remedies: don’t change your deodorant brand, but please take bath more regularly. Men should wear pink when going to discotheques and women should wear burqa. People would not get to notice your body odor this way

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)

The union of Jupiter and Neptune in your birth chart suggests that you’d not be able to fart for the whole of this month. While this may sound like a good news to you, the worst part is that the air will keep on accumulating in your intestines and you would start looking like Adnan Sami or the nutty professor. You will win luxury soap in a one-legged racing contest in your nearest multiplex, but not before you would injure your nose by falling flat on your face

Remedies: Time period between 9.00 AM to 5.00 PM are not good for you and something untoward can happen to you so avoid doing anything in the above time period. Wear half pink and half yellow on Monday and Thursday.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

I’m sorry but you are going to have a nightmarish year ahead. You’d have strange apparitions and you’d hate everyone in this world. You’d feel that even the pigeons in your locality are showing their middle fingers to you. You will have a lot of time and opportunity to try out things you always wanted. Finally you would come to know that you were a loser all your life. You will win a lottery ticket only to find that the result was misprinted

Remedies: If you want to protect yourself from any calamities, you must take bath after breaking an ostriches’ egg on your head. Even dinosaur egg won’t be bad either.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your appetite will grow this month and you’d always feel like eating something or the other. If you are a politician you would eat into the public reserves and empty the state treasury. If you are a cricketer, you would eat all balls and score pathetically slow. If you are a cook, you would be fired. If you are a doctor, god save the patient. If you are a student, god save you. There is a danger of meeting an accident while riding a horse, so be careful and use protection.

Remedies: Always ask for tea made in goat milk when you go to Barista or cafe coffee day.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

Your friends will see your facebook profile photo in the ‘hottie of the day’ application. You can’t help it as you are too technically challenged to change the settings to stop that from happening. So let it be and be prepared to receive some winks and naughty messages, including those sent by friends of the same sex and those who are double/half your age

Remedies: change your password to “SatireShashank”......and see how your luck changes

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

After reading the fortunes of others, you still want to know yours? Don’t you already feel insignificant and useless, lying at the last position in the hierarchy of horoscope signs? Yes, you are a destined loser, always coming last in race and first in bed. You might continue to forward those stupid emails but you won’t get an iota of Bill Gate’s fortune.

Remedies : Wake up at 3.00 AM each Friday, take a butter toast, wear a green shirt and walk out of your home. You must wink at the first thirteen beggars that you come across before feeding the fourteenth beggar the toast. Bring back the butter and apply on your forehead before going on work/college

p.s:  "My romance with c.a books is taking heavy beating beacuse of the lengthy writing".... thats what my milkman thinks...hence,i wont be updating this blog untill June...so please dont cry and wait in desperation for the next one........

The joke called 2012......beware laughing is non-injurious

A mother of a 7 year old said:

“I have a 7 year old that happened to see a documentary on the history channel that scared him so bad, that he became depressed and began to question the “meaning of life”. He is 7 years old. This nonsense is scaring our children - it must stop immediately. I found this website and tried the best I can to explain to him it was all a hoax.”

A social networker wrote:

“Tsunami in Japan!!Makes me wonder if all the hype regarding 2012 might actually turn out to b true” :(

Friends, I’m still laughing at very thought of 2012. People, social websites, internet, newspapers, history channel, news channels, magazines.....everywhere....every damn place this phenomenon is waging like a wild forest fire. We definitely don’t live in a fool’s paradise.Then, how come we believe all this non-sense and brainless crap about some date and a 2500year old calendar.

Anyways, it always giggles me, “How the earth would end?”

“Earthquake, tsunami, volcanic eruptions, zombies rise, aliens attack, solar flare, etc.”If these are the actual book version reasons then mine entirely contradicts.

Hence, I have imagined a list of events which can/may happen and indeed give mental trauma and then  cause mass-extinction of entire human race because of their occurrence or else you will happily see the sunlight of 23rd dec,2012!!

1. The date itself

If you are not a completely useless person, you would know that day would be 21/12/2012, which would be written as 21-12-2012 no matter which formatting you use till you stick to Gregorian calendar. Adding all the numbers , the  result would be 2...(2+1+1+2+2+0+1+2=11...1+1=2)...and according to astrology 2 is not good!!....if you come 2^nd in class, then parents will kill you. If you are the 2^nd boy-friend, then your g.f will compare you with the 1^st one. The number 2 is associated with bad luck in some countries, and even has a specifically recognized phobia known as “Twosuckophobia”(Oh F).So don’t panic, I will tell you how to protect yourself.

But before that, you must be convinced that today is indeed a special day. It’s the last opportunity in this century to be alive on a day when all the three parameters of a day (day, month and year) can be denoted by a single digit. Not only that, this day is special in many ways.

If you happened to wake up at 12.12 AM , man you have done just the right stuff. You simply don’t need to worry, but to be on the safer side, you should wear 12 underwears during the whole day today. Try changing them each time the minute hand of the clock strikes 12.

 Before stepping out of your home, you must spit twelve times on your right side. Remember, each time you must spit on the same spot or you might be hit by a running bull as soon as you reach the main road. And also send twelve messages to your friends or else they will face the end and you will escape.

To protect yourself from road accidents, jump in the air after each twelfth step you take while you walk. For best results, stretch your legs and arms as much away from each other as possible when you jump. In case you are not walking and are driving, apply brakes after each 12 meters and try to drive at 12kmph. Oh, god is merciful, he is all knowing.

2.The Rise of Thailavar Army and apocalypse  (30 days before the end)

The Government of India along with The American army has finally woken up to reality and decided to take up arms against “thailavar 5.0 a.k.a chitti”,which has made its own army and already captured Africa and europe. The war which will involve some of world’s top military minds from and is about to cost  india an amount ten times more than the Spectrum Raja scam, pushing the india economy into a decade long economic tailspin.

 Admitting defeat, the  Nato chief said, “It would have been totally badass if we could pull off thailavar; I mean think about it! The possibilities are mindboggling in various spheres of life.we tried our level best to keep it off our shores but of no utter  use. Only America and Asia are left and my only hope now is rajni sireee .”....shouted the chief from his underground secret gas chamber in germany.

Even though China has conceded defeat , some military companies in Taiwan claim that they can still convince Rajni sir to stop Chitti .Meanwhile, the foreign secretaries of the leftover countries had an urgent meeting in the New yawk’s U.N building sparking off heavy speculations among media personnals that “chittti “ is  really a matter of concern. indian primeminister gave his condolences to Chinese premier over the phone and send a bouquet of Arunachal Pradesh apples and a Tibet shawl specially signed by the dalai lama.

3. Nucluer War between India and Pakistan(29 days before the end)

India and Pakistan attacked each other with nuclear weapons due a fight on tom and jerry. The whole event actually started at school in India when hundreds of kids came out of a nearby school and started pelting stones at each other today afternoon. The kids were fighting over a poster of “Tom & Jerry” that was coloured by one of the kids during the fine-arts class. As soon as the poster was put for display in the school gallery, kids grouped themselves into factions of Hindus and Muslims and started throwing stuff at each other.

“The poster was absolutely shocking and demeaning to us. It showed a saffron mouse kicking the ass of a green cat. Are we dumb not to understand that it was meant to demoralize Muslims? When we protested over the choice of colours, the teacher said that a student was free to use any color he wanted. The teacher is a communal Hindu. We decided to take things in our hands otherwise our self respect would have been trampled.” Salman khan, a four year old kid fumed.

“Mouse is the vehicle of the Hindu God Ganesh and by painting a saffron mouse they meant a Ganesh worshipping Hindu. A cat that attacks a mouse is of course hungry and by painting a green cat they meant a Muslim fasting during Ramzan. This poster is so disturbing to be painted at a time when Ganesh Chaturthi and Ramzan are going on.” Salman argued.

This led to the kids calling their parents and which in turn..turned the crisis more ugly. Thus allowing Pakistan to enter into India’s internal affairs and raging a spark among the two nations on communal basis. This event terrorised the president of Pakistan and compelling him to press the N-bomb Button.Thus paving a way to 3^rd world war and ending the entire human race.

4.Sarah palin becomes president of U.S.A.......!!(no dates required)

The thought itself crashed the world financial markets leading to mass-community suicide as the worst  financial crisis struck on the very news of her becoming the ultimate leader of the world.

Sarah palin after becoming the president of the United States of America allotted several key portfolios to her close friends. Paris Hilton became internal media screwing secretary while Lindsay lohan was made drug and theft bureau chief. While Mil Gibson was given the African relations secretary.

5. Colonising of facebook genes proved deadly(Alas!!..)

Last year Mark Zuckerberg, made the most significant kink in the history of evolution , by announcing the launch of the Facebook Genes, everyone thought it would assist the naturally occurring sensory organs and take people a step closer to realizing the most perfect human interactions system – the Facebook.

In layman terms, the Facebook gene was added to an embryo during pregnancy so that the child is born mutated with certain Facebook features embedded into it, giving it an edge over its peers in communicating and “staying connected”.

Parents needed to provide the name, e-mail address and Facebook ID for their foetus to sign up for the delivery, and the gene transplant was done free of cost by the Facebook Inc.FB Genes was made to  blur the difference between the physical and the digital worlds. People were able to continuously upload and download images, videos and information from their Facebook profiles. In the physical world, they will be able to exhibit three additional emotions – ‘Like’, ‘Poke’ and ‘WTF’ – with the help of various facial and lower body muscles.

“Even fb genes, helped B.tech grads to upload their American visa status which in turn would garner atleast 50 likes and 40 comments” commented Harishankar krishankumar,who preferred to called shanky999.

But this gene-game proved costly.The Al-Qaida and taliban along with mafia wars attacked all the profiles in facebook and hacked everyone ,putting virus on all socialities.

Six year old Arun Pisupati, a level 501 player of Mafia Wars with a family size of seven, surrendered at supreme court today. Arun had been playing Mafia Wars for more than nine months and had amassed huge cash and property by robbing other mafias and visiting Cuba. Arun also possessed a huge cache of weapons and vehicles, which the police are trying to recover, but his energy level had dropped alarmingly, the most likely reason he decided to surrender.

The Reason for his surrender was given as “heavy competition from outside terrorist groups forced Arun to quit”....

“He promised to hand over all his guns, property, cash, etc. to the government but wanted a safe passage to hospital to get his energy back. We couldn’t understand what was happening but told him that we agreed to his demands”...reported a newspaper.

6.Mayawati is the secret ruler of exiled-maya civilisation

and she is in process of converting all her possible enemies and mango crowd(aam junta) into asses.(even her name has the first sllyablle - MAYA)

A new study into Mayan calendar, writing and mythology has revealed that most of us could be turning into asses by the end of 2012 i.e. within one year from today, in fact the process is believed to have already started according to the latest research. The study warns that the human race will be replaced by donkeys (also known as asses) and the existing donkeys will rule over the neo-donkeys.

“Yes, there will be doomsday, but only for the human race. The earth will survive and so will the flora and fauna, sans the humanity. An army of asses will rise from its ashes and enslave the human race. She will also genetically modify us to transform us into substandard asses while the existing asses will rule over us.” Mulayam singh yadav,the major opponent of mayawati.

Attacks by asses on human beings are expected to grow rapidly in the coming months. Human beings would debate and plan how to tackle donkey kickbacks, but by then the dead army of asses would have been resurrected, followed by the doomsday. These chilling details of the new found prophecy effectively makes each ass in our neighborhood a potential future oppressor of the human race. So should we kill all the asses?

The research is already creating strong ripples across the world with various Hollywood producers queuing up to make a movie on the grand battle between asses and human beings. Produces claim that these big budgeted movies would also help in further research and would help the humanity fight the asses. Leading author Dan Brown too is supposed to be mulling over the possibility of writing a book over this possible ass attack and hence he send a garland made of jesus photos.

News channels across world too alerted its viewer about the possible revenge of the asses causing widespread hate attack against asses in various parts of the country. Government has appealed for restraint and has asked people not to act like asses. Home Minister P Chidambaram has assured the citizens that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh would be soon talking about this acute ass problem with US President Barack Obama.

8. Tcs , Wipro  ,Accenture and CTS plan auction style recruitment .....lowest CTC to get job

IT majors like Wipro,TCS (Tata Consultancy Services), Accenture and CTS  plan to hire 1,37,000 professionals for its domestic and overseas markets through campus auctions in the next fiscal. But the auctions will not have the companies bidding for bright freshers, but the freshers bidding for dull jobs. Each round of bidding will see 50 freshers coming together, and whoever quotes the lowest salary demand will get a job contract from them.

It is a mammoth effort to go all over the country and conduct complex processes to hire freshers who would anyways be kept on the benches. Hence what is the use of conducting irrelevant GDs and PIs to hire future-benchers? Hence they have decided to  take inspiration from the recently concluded IPL auctions and will be conducting auctions in many campuses of India to hire freshers.

A possible scenario of professional “franchises” gathered to bid for software jobs

The base prices of the freshers have been set as per their overall percentage or CGPA across the four years of education. Higher percentage commands a higher base price and then it’s a game of who goes the lowest for the “lucrative” offer.

The news  attracted mixed response from the freshers though. Many final year B.Tech students were already using linear programming methods to find the minimum amount they need to stay alive in various cities, while others have asked their parents if they could “contribute” a little.

This gave a severe heart-attack to parents all over the country who expected their kids to be placed immediately after 3^rd year.but,as soon as the news leaked graduates and their parents suddenly disappeared sparking a wide-spread mass suicide and encouraged others to do it as it was worthless to live in this auction-packed world.

There are other News Headlines which may choke humans to death by both causing heart-attacks and making them brain-dead.....

9. Laloo learns English completely

10. Rakhi Sawant is miss universe, world and earth

11. India tops the chart for most-non corrupted state

12. Farmvilla goes out of crop growing place ....acute food shortage across globe

13. Tata’s nana “heli-car” catches fire spontaneously in mid-air killing all its 600million users across the world.

14. Kenya and Zimbabwe sweep all Olympic gold medals

15. Pakistan takes up non-violence and is terrorism free.

16. Dubai sheikhs do their own work without their servants.

17. Gadaffi+Chavez+Mubarak+Ahmedanijad form “The Fantastic Four Justice Team”

18. Karunanidhi is married again

19.Srilanka,Nepal and bangladesh send first man to mars ahead of United states and Russia

20.Shashank  stops blogging.......(omg!! this will be the ultimate news to panic people)

The story of 3S's....strictly for adults and kids only!!

Disclaimer: IF you are above 18 please continue reading or else  stand up,walk back and close your rooms' door.As the author doesnt want any disturbance while you read. 

Friends, Indians have always had a history of liking 3Ss’.

The first S is Sports.

 May be kabaddi,hockey or newly found passion cricket , Indians always rocked. Many of the today’s youngsters  forget that once under major.dhyanchand,india swept  the field of hockey by winning back to back 3 Olympic gold medals 80 years before shooter abhinav bindra did it .

Interesting trivia: After seeing his prolific play at the 1936 Berlin Olympics, Adolf Hitler offered Dhyan Chand, a Major in the British Indian Army, German citizenship and an offer to promote him to the rank of a Colonel (which Dhyan Chand, of course, refused!!!)

Now it’s another issues that India has also produced gems like suresh kalmadi,ipl modi and s.bhatti(dd scam..the new bird in the nest)...to name a few who  not only gave some glittering opening shows but also successfully generated ships of money for themselves, their maids and their dogs.

In my last article I emphasised and elaborately wrote on the level of anxiety to be seen in the leading newspapers of different participating nations. So writing any further would spoil your brain and hurt my fingers.

The second S is Satire.

The moment I think of satire ....either the cheap laughing television shows or out of world idiotic jokes reminds us of satire. But no, that’s not what i am talking about....I am talking of films and satire.

Feature films are the great popular passion of India, cutting across the social divides – the divides of caste, class, religion, region, gender, language and rajnikant. The films take you to French riveira,swiss alps, south African coasts or to jalandhars’ mustard feilds.So that you can sing,dance and get lost in world of Romance, Reels and Romeos :-)

Hence, my lord lets attack each film industry one by one:

The Hindi film industry

The ingredients of the average hindi film is always well known; colour(high Eastman preferred, these days they have renamed it as UFO);songs(at least 6 or seven)in the voices one knows and trusts; dance-solo and assemble – the more frenzied the better; bad girl, bad boy, good boy, good girl, romance(but no kisses...leave the rest);tears; emotional tortures; fights; chases; melodrama; dwellings which can’t be outside studios; exotic locations in kullu,manali,ooty,London,spain(for hrithik fans)and paris.....OH!! What can I say more, even my girlfriend and father cant.

You see any three Hindi movies and god promise the “matter” of at least 2 will be the same.

Procedures of making a film is not less funny too. Huge posters (which only aliens can read),six pack stars(because family pack is outdated),sexy heroines(to increase already border touching blood pressure),music(plagiarism is must),lyrics(either gulzar or javed akhtar...rest all are morons),births and rebirths(the best Indian export till date),producers(with loads of black money) and finally some creepy script and an equally creepy director.

Result of film is always known...if its socially teaching , then a national award for producer, filmfare for the stars and zandu-balm for viewers is confirmed....while if it asks you to leave your brain outside theatres before entering..Then it should be commercially success unless it doesn’t follow the golden rules.*

*Golden rules:

1. Shahrukh khan sells, no matter how dirty is the script.

2. ask perfectionist amir khan to direct, act and offer him 20% of profits....forget about the film, it’s a bulls eye.

3. Budget is low...get a good and decent script..forget about the star casting...anyone will do even akshay kumar .

4. sexy and bombshell heroine is must along with extra-old actress for hero’s mom role.

5. if no proper script..then go to south, copy their rights and make it here.

6. finally...... atleast one sheela or munni to make more money.

The Malayalam and Bengali film industry.

The high literacy levels in Kerala and equally high laziness in Bengal along with Marxism is a sign of their quest for knowledge, awareness and over-low budget movies. "Malayalam and Bengali Cinema" are mirror to its superior taste, cultural finesse, class and red-zanda(flag). Malayalam movies have traditionally had a 'stand apart' quality about them in comparison with other Indian language movies, with Bengali movies having some similarity because it’s a damn intellectual stuff, which even Dr.abdul kalam can’t understand.

Realism has been the cornerstone of their cinema, realism that is all pervasive and evident in every aspect of the movie, from the selection of the theme, earthy dialogs, real life situations and non- contrived screen play, natural portrayal of characters, humour that blends with the situation and gay movies. It is no wonder that these masterpieces made on a shoe string budget draw rave reviews and critical acclaim in film festivals from Cannes to Banaras and from Allahabad to Berlin.

But, there are moments which always make you wonder “why am I watching this?”...

Reason....(for example)

There will be a hero (commonly mammoty,mohanlal).he will be very decent and wonderful gentleman with full of thick moustache,often so gentle that 30+ ladies would want him as husband. The heroine will wear white saare throughout the whole movie and will cary a oil-lamp in her hand...(which itself reduces half of the production cost).the background will be a house(again, it is the only location for the whole movie). There will be “only” two supporting actors. An old  ambassador car, political issue, lots of extra-senti scenes.....and finally hero – heroine make up their mind in the end of the movie to have romance....which interestingly the director challenges the audiences to dream as if it would  have happened.

The Telugu, Tamil and Kannada film industry:

First half starts in US or UK or swiss or Thai or local streets mainly bus-stops.

Hero and Heroine. Both may be strangers or friends or hero is trying for heroine or heroine is in love with other guy....but hero is still trying desperately (and thats legal).

Heros’ introduction song is always rocking......atleast 50 backup dancers...full of dust due to steps and heavy beats of drums...

 When hero sees the heroine, the screen fades, giving way to second song.

Third song comes when he still tries to flatter her or the successful love story song. When hero is busy in his trails for flattering the girl, 4 or 5 tata sumos, scorpios with around 8 or 9 men roam in class roads searching for some one. May be hero or heroine or their relatives.. !!!!

Interval bang: heroine kidnap. All that fellows in scorpios are not ordinary people, they belong to big factionist group (white dhotis...white shirts ...white scorpios....& black politicians). They are in search of her. In this moment hero should see with blank mind. But our hero who was studying either in states or in local college also belongs to another big factionist family. So he knows what to do.

Now let’s presume two factors;

Suppose hero is also from a faction family: the second half will be like this:

 He accelerates his bike with full throttle. He goes to the girl’s family and comes to know that faction leader is his uncle. His father and her father are distant relatives or closest friends turned enemies. (Reasons vary according to movies and states).

But, usually both get into some misunderstandings because of some silly land issues (even my neighbours 2-yr old daughter can solve) and they both become the greatest rivals separated by two villages.

Now the goal of hero is to unite both of them. (From here, the director starts thinking. how differently can we unite them? An asst. director thinks of different ways to unite two rivals? Producer thinks how to unite villages? Editor thinks on how unite two reels? And choreographer thinks how to make them dance?).

Suppose hero is not from a faction family:

He is by birth born in US to a NRI and he falls for a local girl who went to US for higher studies or fashion designing. So he will come back to chase her. He goes to the girl's family and comes to know that faction leader is his uncle. And again same cooking-story comes up!!

In between, you will have comedians giggling you, dummy mummy and daddy roles add attraction, huge dance sequences, at least one truck of plaster of paris applied to heroine...romance through flowers , villains and his associates flying in the air........in the end after  you come out ,  either you  go to a coffee shop or a  medicine shop, according to you level of headache.

Whatever you say, i always liked Indian movies. Because all i want is to escape from my day-to-day chores and relax for 3 hours completely in a movie hall, forgetting about whole world, finance, ICAI and its problems.

And,

The third S......ha ha ha ha  you know it!! You are smart enough........

Cricket!Cricket!!Cricket!!!......if you don’t like it don’t read it....mind it :-)

I  originally thought of writing something damn serious this time because my previous funny adventures’ articles gave severe stomach ache to many of the avid readers!!..


So , then i decided to open up my latop screen,go to Microsoft word and start typing about cricket. Friends its world cup time and my nonsense fixtures would only add frolicity to it.Hence,when i was thinking of cricket and seriousness , the first name to popup in my mind was that of S.Sreeshanth.(who,interestingly, is the only human on planet earth to be named exactly opposite of his nature).


Thesedays i read blogs ,articles and newspapers regarding the grandplans and strategies which each of the participating teams are making, the poojas & yagya which fans perform,and extra cuttings the cricket “stars” give at the media conference...i laugh..i giggle...i get headache..i cough...i drink bendryl...then i dooze off!!
Reason..because they all forget onething “that in the end its just a ‘game’”.


Thus below are some of the important news/articles regarding CRICKET WORLDCUP....which i felt like sharing with you.






1. Country : INDIA


Newsapaper: The crindu


Article: Tendulkar fans plan Egypt and Libya like protests if umpires give a wrong decision!!


Mumbai,21st feb: Inspired with what ordinary folks can achieve if they stick together for a common cause, fans of Sachin Tendulkar have decided to speak out against those dictatorial umpires, who rule the little master out showing utter disregard for popular sentiments and beliefs during the last format of the worldcup. Tendulkar fans have already started collaborating on social networking websites and are all set to break into Egypt like protests the moment an umpire rules Sachin out.


“We have been tolerating this tyranny for 22 long years since Tendulkar made his international debut,” 24-year-old samanth said, comparing the tyrannous regime of Anti-Tendulkar umpires with that of Hosni Mubarak, who has been ruling Egypt for 29 years.


“Enough is enough!” declared kiran from united states via skype, wearing a coca-cola black T-shirt with “change the game or my name” written over it.


As per the planned events, the moment Sachin is given out “wrongly”, fans would start assembling on a designated “Tendulkar Square” in the city of mumbai, preferably on the marathi ground as well as just outside the other local football stadiums(who cares ..football or cricket...ground is ground!!), and refuse to disperse unless the umpires overturn their decision.


“We are going to make hashtags like #JusticeForgod and # godisneverout trend globally on Twitter, while millions would join our protests on Facebook,” informed abhishek from bhubaneswar, “We are already using Google maps ,google earth and Wikimapia to mark places in and around the stadiums as Tendulkar Squares.”






2. Country : Bangladesh


Newspaper : Ami bangla mach


Article: if Indians dedicate this world cup to sachin, then we dedicate this world cup to ganguly!!


Dhaka,22nd feb: In a dramatic development a day ahead of the India-Bangladesh match in the ICC Cricket
World Cup 2011, Bangladesh has declared that it wanted to win the cup for the former Indian captain Sourav Ganguly.


With Ganguly not being even a Bangladeshi refugee or an immigrant, the move is being termed as a cunning “mind game” against big mighty teams like Australia and england.


Of course if we win it for our country by default, but we want to present this cup to Dada as our gift and as a tribute to his excellence,” Shakib clarified and claimed that the team had blessings from the Bangladesh Cricket Board as well as from the government.


“Yes, we want to win it for Dada,” Shakib Al Hasan, the captain of Bangladesh declared this morning in a hurriedly called press conference, which also had “korbo lorbo jeetbo re” written on a canvas in the backdrop.


Interestingly sharukh khan was also present at the press conference not only to support this cause but also promote his new upcoming film Ra.one......”from last two years, money is going out but nothing is coming ...so i thought of cost-control measures and convinced Bangladeshis for a joint press statement”....sharukh khan told winking his wrinkled eyes...


{”i think already dada and eden garden are both out...now its time for buddhadeb bhatterjee to go”....whispered shahrukh in the ears of smiling mamta didi.,who had just come in passenger train to Dhaka to show off her austerity drive and to cheer bangla team.....our source confirmed us}






3.Country : Pakistan


Newspaper : Pakistan-e-barbad


Article : Pakistan players ask for life imprisonment in Andaman nicobar islands if allowed more match fixing


Islamabad,23rd feb: forseeing the difficult times going in Pakistan, the Pakistan cricket team along with the now suspended trio has asked the PCB-pakistan cricket board to to fix a few more matches, especially in the coming World Cup to make more pocket money.


“Let them make some money....they too have family and childrens to feed “ shouted Veena Malik, the ex-girlfriend of mohd.asif .Even the suspended young bolwer Amir said, “But they should allow us to play in the coming world cup and throw some more no-balls and wides after consulting the bookies.”


The trio along with veena malik and sania mirza argued that this would be a “win-win” situation for all the parties – ICC, cricketers, and bookies.


According to sources, PCB, which earlier didn’t show any interest in helping the players, has now expressed interest in “partnering” with the cricketers in their latest “initiative”. “


Yes, we got a call from a board member earlier today where he offered us to help and secure a better ‘deal’ with the ICC,” Salman Butt confirmed, “But we have not taken a call yet. In fact, we may not need them at all as ICC president Sharad Pawar has already replied to our mails and sought details of our offer.
In the mean time, the PCB is seeking special advice from Suresh kalmadi and A.Raja on this matter.






4.Country: Srilanka


Newspaper: lengthy timepass tensionless entertainment paper (LTTE newspaper)


Article : Srilanka is going to rest entire team against liliputs Newzealand


Colombo,24th feb: In action packed thriller interview with the newsapaper,the veteran of the srilankan cricket team MP.jayasuriya announced that the entire team is being rested in the not-do-happening match against minnows new-zealand .


“look i am a member of parliament , down here in srilanka...i have hundreds of other works to do. Its completelty waste and time-boring to play against new-zealand...as they cant even win against my sons’ cricket team....its other issue that he is only 4 years and my bat weighs more than him.”


“We have lots of important cricket coming up. There is the Kai Altech Premier T20 league and ACC matches against Malaysia , Kenya and Afghanistan. Given the amount of cricket the boys have been playing, we want to protect them from injury and keep them fresh for these important engagements,” replied srilankan captain .


“still trying to convince srilankan cricket board to pay 20,000$ to sangakara so that he convinces all the team members to play the match”...wrote preity zinta via #imhotbutmarraigenot


And later in another press conference the reporters tried to cheer up vettori by asking him “How does it feel to be the best batsman, left-arm spin bowler, and only international caliber player in the team that you also happen to captain”. , for which vettori blushed and walked out.




5.Country :Australia


Newspapers: the racist jerks!!


Article: Aussies have appointed rajnikant as their special strategist for south Asian matches.


Sydney,26th feb: After ricky pointing wrongly threw his helmet on the t.v rather than throwing it inside the locker, the Australian cricket committee has decided to appoint rajnikant as special coach , so that he can help to throw things properly in proper places without even looking at it and that too from miles away.


Most recently rajnikant swept all the nobel awards for inventing “chitti” last year. Chitti, the Robot, has been reckoned by the committees as an “outstanding contribution” to the fields of Physics, Chemistry, Physiology, and Peace, while the script of the Tamil movie Enthiran, which is based on the life and achievements of Chitti, has been regarded as an “outstanding work in an ideal direction” in the field of Literature, thus completing a clean sweep of Nobel Prizes for Rajinikanth.


This indeed added weighted advantage to rajni before he was chosen as the special coach. Even kailagnar karunanidhi threatened to go on 1hour hunger strike if this tamil superstar was denied his right postion and place in the cricketing world.






And friends after going through so many newspapers i dint feel like reading more...because rest come ,play and go back ...So there’s no need to even blink about them!!

i may not have.......

I may not have attitude like armstrong

I may not have brain like bill gates

I may not have courage like ceaser

I may not have dream like dalai

I may not have emphasis like einstien

I may not have fortune like ford

I may not have guts like gandhi

I may not have heart like hitler

I may not have ideology like indira

I may not have joy like jackson

I may not have knowledge like koch

I may not have learning like lincoln

I may not have manners like mandela

I may not have nerve like napoleon

I may not have opportunity like obama

I may not have passion like picasso

I may not have quest like quimby

I may not have range like  rajnikant

I may not have style like shahrukh

I may not have talent like tendulkar

I may not have urge like ulysses

I may not have valour like victoria

I may not have wings like wright

I may not have xeniality like xiaobo

I may not have yareness like yunus

I may not have zeal like zoroaster

                But one day  i hope of  becoming one of them..........

The year that wasn't!!! 2010......

 In my last blog entry....I mixed romance & adventure , drenched them in a pool of fun and wondered that it would be appropriate to enjoy it.Yah!!! you loved it ..i know!! Thats why without wasting much of my time i am back with another pop-buster....but this time it is little bit more satirical{thanks to one shanky bro....for a funny e-mail he shared with me}.So, people get ready to laugh and giggle in your sit ....with my name on your lips(if ur a girl) or in your brain(if ur a boy).


Guys already one month in the year 2011 has passed, but have you ever forced your mind on “how was the year 2010?”.So to make things easier .....for you and ofcourse your brain(how in this world can i forget that )... i clubbed down some top 5 “news PAPER cuttings” which broke my spine last year.....(mummyyyyyy!!!)



Count down begins..........

5. Lalit Modi had laughed hysterically after declaring Champions League open



Banglore: No Non-sense newspaper has learnt that IPL commissioner and chairman of the Champions League Twenty20′s governing council Lalit Modi had quietly gone back to his room and had a hysterical laugh after he declared the Champions League open this Thursday. Modi was apparently rolling on his bed in his five-star suite as he remembered the last couple of years since he broke into the international scene with IPL auctions of cricketers.



“F man! I actually made people buy and sell cricketers, and it was not for any fantasy league with virtual money! Real money and real players for real games! Who could have done that?” Modi said to himself excitedly as he lay face down on his bed. Then he screamed “woohoo” and threw the pillows upwards and punched the bed five times with his right fist before the pillows fell down back on the bed.



Modi then turned back and lay with his face facing the ceiling, and then suddenly burst into hysterical bouts of laughter, with his left hand on his belly and his legs fidgeting in the air as he recalled the bygone days, source close to him said.

Its a different issue that he was later sacked and parceled to banana republic.



4. Google secretly developing a competitor to Paul the Octopus



California, USA. Concerned over the growing popularity of Paul the Octopus for accurately resolving people’s doubts, something for which a lot of people have relied upon Google search results, Google is reported to be developing its own Octopus, tentatively named “Google 8”. The Google Octopus could be launched anytime later this year and would be distributed and sold through retail stores unlike other google products that were distributed and sold through online downloads.



“People would ask all kinds of questions to Google when something bothered them – Will I ever get a girlfriend? When will i get 10 likes in my status update? Is my neighbor a *** offender? Will kenya win the 2011 world cup? Will USA be a Muslim state by 2050? Will manmohan and sonia ever marry? – but soon they could start flocking to octopuses for such queries and google could lose a considerable traffic.” explained an internet expert.



Earlier Google had felt threat from the growing popularity of facebook and was believed to be working on development of “Google Me”, but it’s not clear if the internet giant could shelve the development of “Google Me” to launch “Google 8” in time. Our sources in China confirm that preparations are afoot to market tiny octopuses in smaller aquariums and brand them iPaul, something that hurts Google as well as Apple, two American corporate giants.



PS: paul left all of us soon after the world cup and became part of japenese sushi soup in chinese restras.....RIP octopus paul





3. SRK releases “My Name Is Kahn and im not a nazi!!”



Berlin, Germany. Our german branch reported the collaboration of Shahrukh Khan and the star German goalkeeper Oliver Rolf Kahn to release a new movie called “My Name Is Kahn”.



On being asked about the movie, Oliver said, “Well I will be starring in this movie. In the movie I will be playing a football coach who comes to India to train a team of whiny, bitchy air-headed girls so that they can win some tournament with their neighboring college. But unfortunately, because of my German origins, I am detained and held up at the airport for hours citing security reasons. And I say – My Name Is Kahn… and I am not a Nazi......



The movie is being released primarily made to distract Shiv Sena workers away from shahrukh’s “my name is khan”, Oliver was quite excited over the prospects and went on to reveal the bulk of the plot, “Then it (the movie) will show my slow transformation from an October fest German, who gets irritated by numerous Hitler references, into a proud Marathi Manoos who settles down with one of the Maharashtrian girls from the team in a simple yet emotional manner.”




note : oliver khan was seen yesterday shouting outside shahrukh's house...."mera {cheque-de} india"



2. Rahul Gandhi warned US of rising power of Narnia: WikiLeaks



New Delhi. In another major embarrassment for the Congress party and possibly US policymakers too, the latest cables released by WikiLeaks show that Congress general secretary Rahul Gandhi had warned an US diplomat over rising might of Narnia, the mythical country depicted in The Chronicles of Narnia, a fantasy novel and movie series for children.



Rahul Gandhi had apparently suggested that while Al Qaida remained a big threat and Osama should be hunted down, USA should not ignore the developments in Narnia and keep an eye over the followers of Aslan, the talking lion who is widely regarded as the creator and lord of Narnia.



Aslan, the mighty lion from Narnia...“If some of our kids can get transported to Narnia through wardrobes and paintings, the Minotaurs and Ogres of Narnia can sneak into our world as well, isn’t it?”



Rahul Gandhi is supposed to have told US president Mr.Barack obama while pointing out towards a painting at Manmohan Singh’s residence where they were attending a lunch hosted by the Indian Prime Minister in honor of visiting US president last year.



1.Unable to understand Inception, IIT aspirant kills himself



Hyderabad: Christopher Nolan’s recently released mind bending sci-fi movie Inception has opened to rare reviews by critics and has triggered a lot of discussion amongst the movie lovers, but little did anyone know that this movie would end up claiming the life of a 17 years old IIT aspirant. Wednesday was a sad day for the Rao family when the youngest member of the family Gopal committed suicide because he wasn’t able to understand Inception completely even after watching it for seven times, three times in his dreams.



“Gopal was waiting for this movie ever since he saw the first teasers on YouTube six months back. He went to the movie theatre with his notebook and took copious notes too. But, then I don’t know what forced him to take such a drastic step,” said his father, Ram.



“Although he was too old for this kind of gift, but on Tuesday night he demanded a spinning top (lattoo) from me as his 18th birthday gift,” Ram continued, as he wondered what went wrong with his son.



His friend Jaideep added that Gopal had read all the reviews of the movie online and had also updated his Facebook status after watching the movie to “Is this real or am I dreaming? Guys, give me a kick!” {which was liked by 7 of his friends}.

Gopal, an IIT aspirant, was a student of FIITJEE (Forget IITJEE). He was found sleeping in the last bench on the day of FIITJEE’s All India Test series this Sunday. He committed suicide three days later.



“Projection of my subconscious is a loser!” were the last words of Gopal in public, as he shouted back at his laughing classmates and stormed out of the test room.



Bonus :

Hrithik roshan has the sexiest armpits: Rediff poll



Mumbai. An online poll conducted by the popular Indian website Rediff.com has chosen Hrithik roshan as the celebrity with The Sexiest Armpit. Hrithik emerged on top among ten Indian and international celebrities to win the title. Sanjay Dutt, Salman Khan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brad Pitt, Roger Federer, Shoaib Akhtar, He-Man, Smelly Cat, and Rakhi Sawant were the other contenders for the title. This shortlist was decided by Rediff Comments team.



Within minutes of the result being declared, hrithik’s facebook page received millions of likes mainly by girls. Around thousand comments were posted, out of which more than 950 were reported for breathlessness. Rest of the comments either congratulated hrithik or accused sanjay leela bhansali of having funded the poll. Some comments showed broken URLs of website offering free full body massage, while one user wondered why Brad Pitt was not selected even though his name rhymed with armpit.



But away from the world of comments,Hrithik expressed that his magic would have influenced the result and thanked fans for selecting his armpits. Media analysts believe that Hrithik could now win various advertising contracts for deodorant brands and teach Abhishek bachchan how to get an idea.





What an idea sirjee???.......!!